Sunday, March 31, 2019

Emotional Intelligence

I attended an RS meeting with the regional LDS Family Services counselor.  She introduced me to the concept of Deep emotions and Surface emotions.  It was a new concept to me so I wanted to share it with you.

Deep emotions pull people towards us: Sad, hurt, ashamed, confused, insecure, vulnerable.

Surface emotions push people away from us: Mad, defensive, hostile, sarcasm, lecturing, demanding.

When we have a relationship issue, we can choose to show our deep emotion to draw the person toward us, instead of the surface emotion that pushes them away.

For example, my friend had another friend over and I heard about it but thought I was deliberately not included.  So I was involved with my children and not available when she called and asked if I wanted to come over.  That was semi-deliberate, but I did miss her call.  She asked me later why I didn't answer.  I expressed that I was feeling insecure and that's why I was ignoring my phone.  So that built the relationship more than if I had said "If you wanted me to show up you should have told me in advance..."

In marriage it may look like a wife is upset that her husband doesn't say hi when he comes home.  If she yells at him that pushes him away.  If instead she says "When you come home and don't talk to me I feel ignored." that may be more likely to leave him feeling safe enough to respond positively.

She also explained about guilt and how it is useful for bringing about change.  Too little guilt and we don't change.  Too much guilt and we loose hope and don't change.  Compassion lowers guilt.  Accountability increases guilt.  But also, we have to decide what we're feeling guilty about and if it's a stupid rule, like "I have to always say yes..."

Sunday, March 24, 2019


When we're on trips, I often see people riding bikes and think how cool that looks.  P recently got a bike trailer and we went to a rails to trails location.
 We've been collecting more bikes in the last year, so everyone has a ride!
 M got this water backpack for her birthday and uses it as a go to pack.  It's been great. 
 You can't see it but lP is pulling down her sun glasses to give a cool look.
B was tireless.  He rides this sweet bike we got for lP 2 years ago.  It was actually this bike that we got from a thrift store that highlighted how the kids really needed better bikes.  G and M loved to ride this bike even though it was too small.  So eventually we saved up and got the Yellow Bike and the Blue Bike.  G is riding the Orange bike P got for his big ride to Gtown.