Friday, August 30, 2019

Hurricane a comin'

The hurricane is due early next week.  I keep the car topped off, even putting just one gallon in when I find a station that has gas.  It's strange.  I think people remember the shortage and even though it is 4 days out, the gas stations run out daily.  The ones around our area are especially short on supply.  So I want to avoid going out at all. 

I ordered some 5 gallon jugs so I can just fill them at home and not have to chase water at the store.  P says I don't need to chase water, but he's not the one out there trying to buy a couple gallons.  It's good for us to have the capacity to store a lot of water anyway because our well goes wonky every once in a while and it is sometimes a week before it gets fixed.  So I'm glad to get some big jugs to handle that non hurricane water situation.

Last time we evacuated P kept the freezer going and it took 3 tanks of propane.  I don't think the food is worth that.  So I'm not planning to be concerned about food left in the freezer this time.  We'll eat what we can, take what we will use, and let the rest go.  It's not worth $60+ of propane. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Doughnut Math

 These little cuties went out in the back yard (aka wilderness) to pick a flower for me.
B lost his first real lost tooth a few weeks ago.  We've had a long standing tradition of getting Krispy Kreme doughnuts for lost teeth and sharing them with Grandma and aunts in Gtown.  As we have more kids we've started needing to split doughnuts so people can try everything, Everything!   We've also instituted a guideline that 2 doughnuts is enough, Enough!  So we cut the assorted doughnuts into quarters and the kids track their 2 doughnuts.  It's very cute to hear them say things like "I already had 1 and a half doughnuts.  For my last half I'd like 1/4 sprinkles and 1/4 lemon filled."  Go fractions!

Word of Wisdom

There are things in life that are not good for us.  The Word of Wisdom gives us guidelines for what will cause us harm.  Some people seem to do OK eating those things or doing those things.  But other people have problems because of those lifestyle choices.

There is something I want that I can't have.  I was struggling to figure out how to live with this thing but then I made the connection to the word of wisdom.  This thing is toxic to me because I have an addiction to it.  It is not innately toxic but for me, it causes problems.  Realizing this gives me the ability to accept that I cannot have it with relief. 


Over the summer the children kept working at various projects to earn media time.  B had learned early that computer time was between lunch and dinner if we were home and the work was done.  But recently it seemed the kids were on the computers all the time and often, very often, the work wasn't done.  So we switched this week to having media time only during the hour before dinner. 

Tonight after dinner we hung out and drew eyes.  Now the children are watching the Muppet Show together.  Time together, sharing experiences, instead of separate and engrossed in media.

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

zumba gold

There is a lady leading Zumba Gold at the library twice a month.  I love it. 

I realized recently that I have a lot of inhibitions about dancing for a reason.  When I was 8 my neighbor showed us "Dirty Dancing" a lot and worse.   So to me dancing led to sex.  I didn't have any experience to know otherwise.  Then when I was 12 my dad left the family for a lady he met... dancing!

So even watching dancing makes me uncomfortable.  But I feel very self conscious dancing. 

Zumba Gold is awesome because dancing with these older women is completely not any threat to my snowflake self image.  I find myself just grinning and enjoying movement for the joy of moving.  This is really strange for me, but I'm so glad.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

4. Always do your best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self judgement, self abuse and regret.

No more, no less, recognizing that our best changes from moment to moment.

If you try too hard you will  use up energy and your best will not be enough.  When you overdo, you deplete your body, slowing progress.  When you do less than your best you will be subject to self judgement and regret.

Re: Doing more - We are not here to sacrifice our joy or our lives.  Love, be happy.

Doing your best, you will be productive but do it because you love it, not for the reward.  You literally can't do your best if you're only doing it for the reward.

The "Judge" can't bother you if you can say "I did my best." and you are impeccable in your word.  Learn to accept yourself.  Learn from mistakes.  Look honestly at the results.  Practice.

Do your best because you love yourself and want to; not for anyone else.  Action is about living fully.  Have an idea, act upon it.  This leads to manifestation and reward.

Doing your best is saying "I love you God.  Thank you for this life."

Let go of the past.  Live in the present.  Whatever life takes away, let it go.
I am a best friend.  I can be a best friend to everyone by treating all confidences seriously, respecting my time and theirs, doing my best, for me.  Be the best friend you can be.  (p. 84)

You have the right to be happy, to love, to share your love.  This life passing through you is God passing through you.  Don't resist it.  Say no when you want to and yes when you want to.

Doing your best manifests yourself truly.   Being alive and loving yourself expresses your divinity. (p. 85)

In the other three agreements you won't be perfect, but do your best.  By doing your best, habits of
-misusing the word
-taking things personal
-making assumptions
become weaker and less frequent over time.

Master doing your best through practice.  Action is what make the difference.  Honoring these 4 agreements keep you from living in hell. 

Keep trying.  If you fall, do not judge.  Do not become a victim of your judgement.  Living in a past dream keeps you from enjoying what is happening now.

Do your best at learning to love yourself.  Take care of yourself.  

3. Don't make assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement you can transform your life.

We believe assumptions are the truth.  Then we gossip about our assumption, creating hell.  Ask for clarification.  Don't try to make someone else wrong.

The mitote/chaos inside us makes us misunderstand and misinterpret everything.  We make assumptions and then create a fantasy around our assumptions. 

Don't assume people know what you want or need.  (p.66)

Don't assume people define relationships or events (or responsibilities) the same as you.

We make assumptions to try and make sense of the world to make ourselves feel safe, to replace the need to communicate.

Have the courage to ask. (p.68)

Don't make assumptions about your abilities.  Stop lying about what you truly want.  (p. 69)

We get into relationships and ignore traits we don't want to see.  Your love can't change anyone.  People change themselves.  When something changes you get hurt and suddenly see what you ignored justifying your pain.  You blame them for your choices.

Love is accepting.  Choose to live with someone who is already what you want.  If you want to change someone, you don't love them.  And if someone wants to change you, they don't love you.  Communicate fearlesly.  Maybe you loose someone because you aren't a good fit.  Better to know.

Stop making assumptions.  Ask questions.  If you don't understand, Ask.  Find your voice to ask for what you want.  You have a right to ask and answer yes or no. 

Stop assuming --> Make your word impeccable.

Instead of making assumptions, find out what you want and what they want. 

Use the word for creation, giving, sharing and loving.

2. Take nothing personally

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Whatever people say we don't have to believe it.  Personal importance is selfish and thinking everything is about you.  People don't know what is in your world.  Don't try to impose that on them.  Whatever people say is because of their own programming.  Don't take their poison.

"It is not important to me what you think about me, and I don't take what you think personally." (p.50)  I know who I am and I don't have the need to be accepted. (p.51)

Whatever people think or feel is their problem, how they see the world.  It is their business.

What you think of me is none of my business.

How you see "the movie" is according to the agreements you have made with life.  It is no one's truth but yours. (p.52) 

If you get mad at me I know you are dealing with yourself.  I am just an excuse for you.  You get made because you are afraid because you are dealing with fear.

Be full of love and you will feel good.  Love yourself and you will love everything around you.  You will be happy with the movie you are producing.  Like the way you are.  Be content with you, happy with your life.  You will be making love to everything.

Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don't take it personally.  You don't need anyone to tell you, you are wonderful.

Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true.  Don't even take what you say about yourself personally.  The mind can talk to itself.  Beware of too many voices in your mind.  One part wants one thing while another part of your mind wants another.  Uncover all your agreements to make order of the chaos (mitote).

Taking things personally sets you up to suffer.  Humans are addicted to suffering and support one another in this addiction.  People who need to be suffering draw abuse from others. (p.57)

Everyone lies to themselves and others.  How can you expect them to tell you the truth when they lie to themselves?

Trust yourself and choose to believe or not believe what people tell you.  

See others as they really are and don't take their words, feelings or actions personally.  Even if they lie to you, that's OK.  They lie because they are afraid you will discover they are not perfect.  Listen to their actions or you are lying to yourself.  (p.58)

Telling yourself the truth may hurt but you do not have to be attached to the pain.  Healing is on the way.  Time. 

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you.  Trust yourself more than others.  Trust yourself to make right choices.

1. Be impeccable with the word

Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using words that speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your words in the direction of truth and love.

"You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything." (p.31)  Take responsibility, not blame and judgement.

We make agreements with ourselves all the time. Most of our agreements are negative and drain our energy.  "Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement." (p. 35)  Cruel words are spells we cast at each other.  "Change first in the way you deal with yourself, and later in the way you deal with other people especially those you love the most." (p.42)

 "Clear the emotional poison from your mind.  Don't use emotional poison to hurt people.  If you are impeccable with the word your mind will resist emotional poison (gossip) from others."  Let your mind become a fertile ground for words of love.  Self love is proportional to the impeccability of your word.
  Use the word to cast white magic.  Tell yourself how wonderful and how much you love yourself.  Break the agreements that make you suffer. (p.45)  Take away all fear and transform it into joy and love.  Transcend the dream of fear.  Become immune to hell (p.46) the interpersonal drama, gossip.

Four Agreements

I was assigned to read "The Four Agreements" by my therapist and it was revelatory.
The book started kind of mystical but once I got used to how the words were being used, it became engrossing.  The four agreements are how we choose to see the world, no matter what others choose.

1. Be impeccable with the word.
2.  Take nothing personally.
3.  Assume nothing.
4.  Do your best.

I'll post about each one from the twenty pages of notes I took while reading the book.  It is a simple enough list to cover so many aspects of interpersonal drama.  I'm very grateful I am learning how I can be better than I knew I could be.

"True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake" (p.12)

Fear and guilt make this life hell, now. (p.14)  The book of laws we have been taught since infancy blinds us to the truth and beauty around us. (p.16)

"We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands... live by other people's point of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else." (p.17)

Friday, August 16, 2019


I've been interested in getting Lasik for a while and it worked out for me to get it this summer.  I also lost 30 lbs this summer.  I'm also meeting with a therapist this summer.  Wow.  Turning 40, so many changes.

The surgery went well.  Grandma L took me to the Dr. and waited while I waited and then came the surprisingly fast surgery.  She drove me home and let me nap and gave good advice about how to keep up with the eye drops.

I had watched a video about the procedure and was not prepared for the moment when my vision went dark and I was supposed to be keeping my eye on the green light.  I was worried I'd messed it up.  I wish the Dr. had warned me about that.

I'm recovering well.  I can see!  Without glasses!

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Summer of Learning

The kids were in camps most weeks this summer.  M and G start school on Monday and the middle 3 have been doing book work for a few weeks now.  I wanted to get a start on that before the chaos of new schedules hit.

I have been learning about relationships and boundaries.  It's been an interesting summer.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Thrift store adventures

A few weeks ago we organized the firepit, aka toy area in front of the fireplace that we call the firepit because it has a 2 steps lower area.  I decided we were ready to get rid of the play kitchen.  When we went to donate it L cried and said "We need that!"  The thrift store volunteers were so kind to bring it back out.

Saturday B wanted to donate the play kitchen and try to get a batman play thing he had seen on a previous visit.  The kids gathered some stuffed animals, a trike, and other toys, including the play kitchen and we went on an outing.  L understood he was going to get a new toy but nothing at the thrift store really stuck out to him.  M, lP and B all chose something but L didn't actually want the thing we had taken to the check out, so we didn't buy it.

We drove up town to another thrift store and again, nothing was what he wanted.  Thankfully there was another thrift store close by and it had a larger selection.  There was a xylophone dog that I really wanted him to choose.  There was a claw toy that the kids wanted him to choose.  There was even a batman play thing that seemed to be what B was hoping for.  But L didn't settle on anything.  Thankfully I found a nice fishing rod that satisfied L.  He came home and played with the fish puzzle.  He really wanted to use it as a bat... 

I'm so glad the children had a positive experience with the magic of thrifting.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Warm drinks

My stomach was feeling a bit upset so I decided to try drinking a magnesium drink.  Usually I just mix the Calm powder with water and drink it.  The instructions on the product say to mix it with 2 oz. hot water then add cool water but that mixing it with cold is OK too.  I am amazed at how much more soothing it is warm!  It's amazing!  I don't usually like tea much.  It sort of feels weird on my teeth.  But this is a warm, not too sugary drink and it's so nice.  Not like I'll be drinking this every night, but I'm so surprised.