Deep emotions pull people towards us: Sad, hurt, ashamed, confused, insecure, vulnerable.
Surface emotions push people away from us: Mad, defensive, hostile, sarcasm, lecturing, demanding.
When
we have a relationship issue, we can choose to show our deep emotion to
draw the person toward us, instead of the surface emotion that pushes
them away.
For example, my friend had another
friend over and I heard about it but thought I was deliberately not
included. So I was involved with my children and not available when she
called and asked if I wanted to come over. That was semi-deliberate,
but I did miss her call. She asked me later why I didn't answer. I
expressed that I was feeling insecure and that's why I was ignoring my
phone. So that built the relationship more than if I had said "If you
wanted me to show up you should have told me in advance..."
In
marriage it may look like a wife is upset that her husband doesn't say
hi when he comes home. If she yells at him that pushes him away. If
instead she says "When you come home and don't talk to me I feel
ignored." that may be more likely to leave him feeling safe enough to
respond positively.
She also explained about guilt and how it is useful for bringing about change. Too little guilt and we don't change. Too much guilt and we loose hope and don't change. Compassion lowers guilt. Accountability increases guilt. But also, we have to decide what we're feeling guilty about and if it's a stupid rule, like "I have to always say yes..."
